Allure Security Technology
Red Balloon Security
Computer Security, Intrusion Detection,
Anomaly Detection, Machine Learning
Observations From Real Life
Additional worthy contributions are sought.
live life continuously. Computer Scientists live life discretely.
is perfectly impossible.
people say are words, what people do, and don't do, is the truth.
New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the
Gore invented Global Warming.
many broths spoil the cook.
hair is prematurely gray.
part of a man that improves with age is his imagination.
knowing you have a choice is worse than not having a choice.
is a cure for ignorance, not stupidity.
didn't God get tenure? He only had one publication.
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there aren't enough funds?
is nothing but a Caffeine substitute.
are two kinds of pilots. There are old pilots. There are bold pilots. But
there are no old, bold pilots.
Rule: When weeding, the best way to distinguish between a weed and a
valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it was a valuable
easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
are two kinds of pedestrians:-- The Quick and the
unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet
and he won't bother you for weeks on end.
the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
of them to start a campfire?
most powerful force in human nature is inertia.
first law of Thermodynamics in academia is the conservation of inertia.
- A No answer is acceptable, no answer is unacceptable.
who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
backward poet writes inverse.
man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
vu - the same mustard as before.
safe eating - always use condiments
wedding: A case of wife or death.
hangover is the wrath of grapes
cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
the name Pavlov ring a bell?
should be used on every conceivable occasion.
while sunbathing makes you well red.
two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
calendar's days are numbered.
lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
had a photographic memory that was never developed.
plateau is a high form of flattery.
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
helpers are subordinate clauses.
is a jab well done.
a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
year old driving in a car with his dad: "Dad, where are all the 'GO'
ALCS) Whose curse is worse? Chicago or Boston?
favorite oxymoron: I just submitted my First Final draft of my thesis.
core problem of life: Those who hurt you are the ones you love.
core problem of computer security: Those who hurt you are the ones you
BEFORE you click send.
to husband: "Do people ever really change?";
Husband to wife: "Yes, when they decompose."
10-year old, 4th grader's report on soda: "Soda in school? Awesome.
Soda is liquid candy. It is well known soda rots your teeth and gives you
stomach eggs. But you can make a lot of money on the sales."
visitor to Rome: Rome has 6 million residents, 2 million cars, and 1
million parking spaces.
resident of Rome: Rome has 3 million residents, 4 million cars, 2 million
cellular phones, and 500,000 parking spaces.
can't trust dogs to watch your food.
sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters.
know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you
laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
if that is not enough, you ought to know it is time to reassess your
relationship with your computer when you start using smileys :-) in your
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them
to where you can't find them.
remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to
Law: You can't fall off the floor.
are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but
if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
is inevitable....except from vending machines.
to be spontaneous tomorrow.
work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
being disgruntled means being unhappy, does that mean a gruntled person is happy?
do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?
are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
isn't 11 pronounced onety
am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?
people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?"
people would give their right arm to be ambidextrous.
almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
so what's the speed of dark?
they're the only culture some people have.
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
a device for finding furniture in the dark.
people quit looking for work when they find a job.
intend to live forever-so far, so good.
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
love defenseless animals, especially in a good
I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
mechanic couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.
do psychics have to ask you for your name?
who hesitates is probably right.
do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
wrongs are only the beginning.
problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
repeat after me....."We are all
kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
to all fanatics!
the people you know are below average.
percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
who laughs last, thinks slowest
did the chicken cross the road? Well, Click here to find out what some famous people think!
in time for Y2K.
smithing from the Washington Post.
new concerns for the Baby Boomer Generation. Click here to find out!
- Some recent cute bumper stickers seen around Washington, D.C.
- Some true stories from the desktops of the HELP DESK!
and a true story) Conversation by a group of 11-year old boys sitting in a
car on a long boring ride: "Doo-doo, chips, dung, dump, fecal matter,
feces, excrement, BM, bowel movement, doodey,
They came up with 19 words...I can't remember them all...I
was laughing too hard after they asked:
"So if there are so many ways to say BM that are ok to say,
then why can't you say 'The S Word'?"
© 2011 Salvatore J. Stolfo.